And then, suddenly, Romeo was gone...

I coming to the realization that I can't keep myself busy forever.
I can't avoid the pain forever.

It's a hard realization to come to when that's your focus. Keeping busy. As busy as possible, never giving thoughts downtime to dwell on the fact that he's gone. He's really gone.

While he was home it was hard to come back to reality and remember he was leaving for seven months... that he won't even have a phone. He won't be safe. He's always saying he'll come back, but what if he doesn't? What if he leaves for Iraq, and doesn't come back? I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

If he doesn't come back, I'll have lost a part of me. A major part of me.
A piece of my heart.
A piece of my soul.
I'll have lost my future, my love. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. If he dissapears I may lose myself. I don't think I could handle it. Avoiding thoughts and keeping busy wouldn't be able to help me then. It's already a shitty plan to begin with. Right now he's off drinking, much like Sean.

Reality is starting to hit me.

But... if I lose him, if I'm never able to see him again... I'll die inside. I'll probobly end up like a zombie, numb inside. I guess that's what it's like when you lose a piece of your soul. When you die inside. That's a bit like I felt when we broke up the second time. I couldn't handle it.
He could tell.

But if he's not here... If I never get to see his face again, be with him again, hold him, kiss him, look into his eyes...

No. I don't even want to think about that anymore. I've already gotten myself crying. I'm glad he doesn't read this anymore. I don't want him to know that I'm hurting so much. I don't want him to know about these few thoughts I will refuse to share with him. He has no need to know that I feel empty inside already, that I'm not handling this well in my off time. I need to pretend to him that everything is fine. That I'm living my life and not letting this drag me back, I'm sure that's not what he wants.

He told me, and keeps telling me, that everythings going to be okay. That I shouldn't worry or miss him too much. But I guess he doesn't realize how much I truly love him, how when he left he took my heart as well. I have eyes for nobody else.

Does that make me stupid?

Am I stupid for saying that he's my love and I am able to say he holds my heart and nobody else can? That I ache when he's away? Yesterday, Kara asked me a question. She asked me how I do it, cause shes having trouble holding up this thing with Ryan after not being able to see or talk to him for like 3 days, when they have to do it for 3 weeks. Here's what I said:

TeensOnDramamine : How do you do it?
EverythingIronic : I love him. To me, that's enough to keep me going. There are times when I'm on the line, Im not going to lie to you. When I think about how I must be foolish and that it could never work, and that all hope is lost.
EverythingIronic : And then he does things like show up at my front door to say goodbye before he leaves because we ended on a bad note. And I just remember why I love him.
EverythingIronic : Why it's worth it all.
EverythingIronic : Without obstacles it wouldn't be love. Because there would be nothing to make you fight for it, nothing to make it mean anything.
EverythingIronic : if you're not willing to fight for something, obviously it doesn't mean a whole lot to you.
EverythingIronic : We may not be in a relationship right now, but, my heart still belongs to him.
EverythingIronic : Hah, Im quite a hopeless romantic Kara. I'm actually very easily won over, you just need to know how to do it. Most guys don't.

I guess I am quite silly sometimes. I do let myself get carried away with my heart. Oh well. I don't mind. That was how I feel, it was what I wanted to say. It's my answer.