"Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night."
- Romeo and Juliet
I worry about him a lot. He's been doing a lot of drinking, and shoving his thoughts aside won't do him any good. I hope he doesn't supsect that my off-ness is related to him leaving. I told him it was because I was sick, which, it partly is... it's starting to come back, I do hate when that happens. I've gone from the usual 9 pills a day to 12. I wish I could fix myself. It hurts to much when it comes back. It makes me cry a lot from the pain. I was talking to my mom about it today, and she didn't understand that. I think I caught her off gaurd when I said "No mom, I know it's coming back because I'm in so much pain sometimes I want to cry." I feel so sick and just horrible that I don't even want to do anything. I usually feel better after a while, a couple hours, but the other day I didnt. I couldn't even bring myself to go to Trav's. I've done a pretty good job at keeping this a secret... I don't need anybody worrying about me. It's not like its fatal or anything (atleast I dont believe it is...) It just.... hurts. So much.... okay, enough thinking about that. I don't like remembering the pain.
I tried to write down my thoughts and feelings earlier on paper. It didn't work. They all seemed so small and insignificant compared to how I'm really feeling. I never can seem to sum up exactly how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. I felt sick today in class so I put my head on my arms and tried to watch the movies. It was all for nothing. My mind wandered off, I can't even remember the movies. My mind wandered to Aaron. Only of Aaron. I almost started crying in class but I didn't. Although, before class I was sitting with Alicia and we were talking about how her and Jed just broke up and I said "...I haven't been doing so good lately." "What's wrong?" "I miss him. He left and he's leaving for Iraq soon... I really need a hug." and she hugged me and I wanted to cry and let it all out, but there were too many people watching so I held it in. But, it was nice... letting someone else know that I was hurting. Someone other than Sean.
I think I've told Sean a lot of things I've never told anybody else. Even Aaron. I mean, not so much I haven't told Aaron, but, I never told him. He might know, Sean says he thinks he does. I don't know exactly why but I find it easy to share how I'm feeling with Sean. I trust him. We talked about how I felt when Aaron and I first broke up. We talked about how Aaron had told me about the marrige thing. And how Sean was upset when Aaron told him about the sex thing... And I told him how I feel now. How I don't want to lose him. It felt good to get it all off my chest for once. I can't tell Aaron those things. Esentially, they're all the times that Aaron had hurt me... which, I know he wouldn't be happy if he knew. Sean said he was able to see how much pain I was in when we broke up the first time, he said he assumed Aaron noticed because he barely knew me then.
Today Aaron told me he'll be gone by Sunday. If I hadn't been sitting downstairs with my mom I think I would have started crying uncontrollably. I can't believe it's that soon. It's kind of like when he came home I was in this bubble protecting me from reality. It seemed like we had so much time, and then suddenly he had to leave, and my bubble popped. And then, I didn't think he would have to leave so soon after he got back. I don't know how long I expected him to be there for... but... not this little time. Last night I wanted to call him, or text him. Just, talk with him. I always do, I will never tell him this (although I told Sean). I always like to talk to Aaron before I go to sleep because then he's the last thing I hear before I go to sleep. He's the last thing on my mind before I slip away. But the last thing he said to me basically was "I don't want to be a downer so I'm gonna let you go" He just... hasn't seemed like he loves me anymore.
I think he's doing it because of his defence mechanism. He told me he missed me... but then said it didn't matter because we had seven more months ahead of us. I don't care. I'd rather him tell me how he feels, tell me whats on his mind instead of letting me sit here and bring up doubts and all that nonsense I'm trying to work through and not bring up because I needed to work on it. I atleast have one thing to remind me. His one text message I saved. I deleted the rest of them because I couldn't look at them anymore. They caused me to cry. Although, I saved them in my computer... just incase I wanted to see them again... I like the one I have, although, I'd love to have more before he lost his phone. it says "Good morning beautiful I woke up this morning to watch the sunrise and remembered your smile."
He seems to have lost a lot of that charm. His romanticism. It makes me not believe him when he says he's fine. He says that he thinks he'll never be happy, I disagree. He deserves to be happy and one day all of his dreams will come true, everything he wants will be his. He'll be happy one day.
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