"Each morning you choose to move forward, or to simply give up."

"And Hansel said to Gretel, Let us drop these bread crumbs
so that together we can find our way home

because losing our way would be the most cruel of things."

I know I haven't written on this in a while, I guess I have been avoiding my thoughts. Or atleast, trying to. Maybe it's time to try to think for once.

So, here I am, at my dads house, with two peanutbutter & jelly sandwhiches in front of me. I keep eating food. Probobly should stop at some point. I almost got some earlier, but my dad made a comment "you just had dinner. you're hungry already?" I was like "nope. just wondering if we had stuff incase i got hungry later..." and then I went back upstairs. Stupid Aaron had to mention that when I eat alot it means somethings bothering me. Maybe they forgot.

So, I have my ipod on. Nobody's online. I just woke up my dad, he fell asleep on the couch an I thought I'd get him up so he didn't end up sleeping down here. He's always falling asleep down here. I can't decide what kind of music I want to listen to. Maybe I'll find something.

So, I went with my dad to my grandmothers bakery today to get steak and chicken. (It's cheaper and better that way apparently.) And my dad, my grandmother, aun and I were all sitting outside and they all kept commenting on how they couldn't believe how old I was getting. My grandmother kept saying I was growing up really fast. And my grandmother goes "So, have a boyfriend?" They always happen to ask me that when I see them. I said no, and my dad goes "Well, sort of." I gave him this confused look, although I knew the answer he was going to give. "Aaron." he said. I go "No. We're not even sort of dating. He's in Iraq." and Erin goes "Good. You should definitely be dating him." And I laughed and she goes "No. Im serious. Perfect boyfriend for you, right there." Hah. I love my family.

I think I may be screwing things up even more then they already were. I've been kinda down the past few days, and for some reason I've been taking it out on Aaron. I don't mean to, I just happen to. My thoughts have kind of been dwelling on him lately. Some good, some bad. I try to avoid the bad ones and focus on the good, but it doesn't always work. But today when i got to the house, and I went up into my room I started getting flooded with thoughts of him. Cause the last time I was here was when he was here. I started thinking of the good times we had while he was home. How happy I was when I was with him, and all that. And then I remembered how I had acted the past couple days, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to talk to me. I probobly didn't help his mood either, he had gotten into a fight with Sean, or I think it was a fight. Atleast, he wasn't happy with Sean for whatever reason.

Things would be so much easier if he was home. I miss the closeness of having somebody here. I was talking to Shorty about that the other day. Hah, he does always know how to get on my nerves. Its like back when he liked me, he refused to say it. He got more enjoyment of trying to get me to say it. He tends to do that. Him and I are pretty good friends. It's gotten to the point where he knows me too well haha. He knows when I'm lying, when theres something wrong (and I'm not admitting it) and he usually can get me to talk to him about it easily. He listens to me ramble on about whatever's troubling me. Once he comes back on the 2nd I told him we are hanging out. I haven't gotten to see him in forever cause he left.

My mom has been acting weird. She keeps asking me when Travis is coming home. I keep telling her that I'm not sure, yet she asks everytime we have a conversation. I talked to Aaron about it, he said that he thinks she is either taking a liking to him or she sees that I haven't exactly been miss sunshine and I'm happier when he's around. I thought it was the first one, I didn't think I was happier when Travis was home. I mean, I know I'm happier, because he's one of my good friends and I enjoy hanging out with him, but I didn't think I acted differently. I asked both Aaron and Shorty, both said the same thing. Although, Shorty said another comment after that made me laugh, but that's not important. He was just being silly. Maybe I'll have to start paying closer attention to myself when he's around.

I need a change. I need to go out and have some fun before the summer's over. I've got a month left, I don't want to sit at home doing nothing because Aaron and Travis aren't home. If that's how my social life works then I'm going to be extremely bored. Forever. I'll hang out with Shorty, I was going to hang out with Conor but apparently he's busy with work. Maybe I'll hang out with Kara. Or Alicia. I'm supposed to be having Alicia, Stacia, and Kara over one of these sunny days so Stacia can take some cool photos. That should be fun, my mom even said they could all spend the night. I barely ever have anyone sleep over.

I have a lot of other thoughts. But they're those thoughts you can't really put into fluent sentances. Just random thoughts. OH I had a dream last night. It was kind of odd... I was at the middle school, or it was remeniscent of it, with a couple changes. I was with some guy, I have no idea who he was, but in my dream he was a friend of aarons, another marine and he was telling me something I can't remember. Aaron had come back from Iraq, I can't remember why, but he decided he didn't want to see me anymore. He came up to me specifically to tell me he came home and that he wasn't going to see me anymore past that point. And he drove off with this guy and left me there, and it was raining and dark. And I was just kind of wandering around alone cause I didn't know where to go. I woke up and it was kind of a disturbing dream. There were a couple more details to it, but they're not really important.

I'm glad I'm at my dads tonight. I always have good dreams here, it's odd. I can't remember the last time I had a nightmare here. They're usually happy, odd, or I just simply can't remember having a dream.

I was thinking about changes the other day. I asked Aaron if I'd changed, he said I did. He didn't give me any details though. Which was bothersome, but I mean he had to go, it wasn't his fault. He said I changed physically, but I wanted to know the details of it. I wanted to know the bad ways that I'd changed and the good ways. I was thinking about how other people have changed. It's crazy.