"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

"Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept of how much I love you?" "I know how much I love you." "You compare one small tree to the entire forest." "Impossible."

- Bella & Edward

I guess I havent really posted in a while. I think maybe that's because I've had so many thoughts that I didn't really know how to interpret them. I didn't know where to begin. But, I guess now is as good a time as any.

To start, I've been having this on my mind, I realized that my favorite kind of kisses are 'hello' kisses and 'goodbye' kisses. I love them both because they are so full of pure emotion. Hello kisses have the "I haven't seen you for a period of time, and I missed you tons" kind of feeling in them. And you've been wanting to show this other person how you've been feeling but words are just superfluous, and no longerhave any meaning in them. Then, goodbye kisses. They are the ones that fill the person up with feelings saying "I'm going to leave you now. We have to part, I know I will miss you, I want to kiss you and hold the feeling with me for as long as I possibly can." and if they're good, they leave you walking on air.

Since Aaron came home, things have... changed. Drastically. We were dating when he came home. All day I was anticipating seeing him for the first time in seven months. It was killing me waiting. I could feel everything just building up in me, readying itself for any emotions that might come flooding through. Then, I saw him and my heart instantly just flipped. I got in the car and I kissed him within possbily 10 seconds. He seemed slightly surprised, but, I can't be certain. He kind of just smiled at me. I was fluttering, literally I could feel the butterflies and the happiness. Smaller details I can't really remember. I've hung out with him everyday almost.

I was hanging out with him, and my sister called me, and I stopped paying attention to him, and he just kept kissing me and trying to get my attention. I was laughing and I was just... immensly happy. My sister could tell. She said "You sound really happy. I think I'll let you go :) " and I was. I was so happy that day, I don't think words can describe it. Then, the next morning, I went on faecbook before I left for school to take my regents, and I read a secret on Socialmoth. "What do you do when you've found the girl of your dreams, but all you want is a girl from your past?" My heart instantly just... dropped. I wanted to dissapear. I knew that Aaron had written it. I was positive. But, I wanted to know for sure, cause there was a small possibility, a small twinge of hope, that it wasn't true.

I went in and took my regents, trying to focus on my test, but, that seemed to keep popping back into my head. Lots of thoughts surrounding it. All those horrible jealous thoughts about him and Hannah. How I will never be good enough for him, how he will always love her more than he loves me, it even crossed my mind that I was an idiot for believing he loved me, but I made those ones go away. Thoughts like those just kept rushing into my head throughout the test. I almost broke down and started crying in the middle of the gym. I actually think I did start but stopped myself cause I couldn't stand it. I hung out with him and Sean. I kept getting really hot and cold all the time. So I had to keep running upstairs to change. All the while, these thoughts were in my head, poisoning my thoughts. I couldn't keep them away, Aaron could tell that something was wrong. At one point, on my trip downstairs, I stopped and a horrible thought went through my head. "You can check him computer while you're upstairs... he'd never notice. You could do it quickly and know for sure..." But I didn't. I said it wasn't right, I could never, EVER do something like that. So I resisted.

Later, after Sean had left I was with Aaron alone. And he was being stubborn and hiding under a blanket. I looked at the computer, and the thoughts came back... I said "Fine. If you want to be that way, I'll get on your computer." I instantly sat down and went to click socialmoth. I opened up exactly where I needed to go. He got to the mouse right as I saw it. I had hoped I was wrong... but I wasn't. I figured, since I had said it out loud with him right there it wasn't decietful. But I still felt horrible after I did it. I felt hurt too, that he felt that way. I mean, how was I supposed to feel? Then he checked to see if it dated it, which it didn't. He said "Wow, I haven't been on this thing in forever, since back before bootcamp." Which, I knew was a lie. Even without that secret I knew it was a lie. I wanted to run away and just cry. I felt lower than low, for more than one reason.

My sister called and picked me up a couple minutes later. We said our goodbyes and I got into the car. I felt sad, but I was trying to hide it. I think it worked because they kept rambling on about things I can't remember. Aaron had been asking me what was on my mind all night. I felt like things couldn't really be worse, so I told him. Cause obviously he noticed what I had done. And later that night he was talking to me, and he told me he was dissapointed in me. That he couldn't trust me anymore. I was alone in the living room on the couch. I started crying, almost hyperventalating. I couldn't stop. Sean was trying to help me. It wasn't really working. By the time I went to sleep I was still crying. I couldn't deal with it, I felt so absolutely horrible, worse than ever.

I woke up in the morning before anyone else had and took a shower. I stood there trying to wash away the pain from the night before. It didn't work. I had woken up feeling just as bad as I had gone to sleep. My sister woke up and we went to the mall. I tried to be enthusiatic or seem happy, I don't think it worked at all. My sister kept talking to me, I can't remember what she said to me though. I wasn't really listening, or atleast not concentrating. She was talking to me about Aaron a lot and I just... I wanted to forget about him. About what I'd done. About the horrible things I was feeling. She asked me questions like "Does he compliment you?" "Are you happy?" and things like that. All day she kept saying I looked tired. I was in Crossgates and I couldn't find anything I liked that I wanted to buy. That doesn't usually happen. We were eating food and she kept questioning me. She said at one point "Do you know how beautiful you are?" It had caught me off gaurd and she goes "You know you are right?" I said "Sure." She goes "You are really beautiful. You have a fantastic personality that people cant help but love and you're smart, you've got a great body and you dress really well. You are beaufitul, and I hope you know it."

We also talked a lot about my dad. And how, when I was little, he wasn't the best dad in the world. How I used to dread going there because he would only play video games. How I didn't even have a bed and I had to sleep on the couch. I think I repressed those days, cause I can't remember any of it. I think that now my dads trying to make up for it. I think he's doing a really good job of it. I love him so much, he supports me with everything I do. He encourages me and he just wants to make me happy.

I realized a lot of things though while I was eating with Liz. Aaron never compliments me. We didn't act like a couple in public, he was more ammused with how every girl he passed would watch him, watch him wanting to be with him. I was just the friend. A couple of other things that I'd rather not think about anymore.

Then, Aaron and I broke up. I don't think I've told Liz yet. I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want her to be right. I didn't want to admit it. And, I guess, though I'll never admit it, I had hoped that he would change him mind... but he didn't. He's leaving Friday, and he didn't change his mind.

I went to frisbee with Travis on Sunday. I wanted to sit home and eat food and mope all day. I just read all day. Didn't even get up for food. He called me and told me to go to frisbee with him, so I said "Alright. I could use that. I need to keep my mind off of him, it might do me some good." And then he started to text me. Aaron said he was going to frisbee too... "Great.." I thought. I arrived at frisbee and Shorty came up to me, instantly realizing something was wrong. He took me away from frisbee and walked me around the park a bunch of times having me explain the problem to him. He's a good friend. He told me that he though Aaron was being lame. And was just looking for an excuse to break up because he's leaving. I said maybe it was possible. He told me that I wasn't allowed to feel bad, or think it was my fault. We eventually went and sat on the bench and he looked at me as we talked and said "You have really nice eyebrows and cheekbones." It caught me slightly off gaurd. He was serious about it though. After our heartfelt conversation, I felt like I was open to ask him the question I asked. I said "Shorty... why did you ignore me for two weeks and avoid me?" I don't think he was ready for that either. He said he had blown off everybody, not to take it personally. It was because he was having issued. He said "I didnt want to-" I think he meant hurt me. And I said "So you ignored me?" I think he was lying to me, but I decided not to call him on it. Sometimes that's best.

Later Trav, Aaron and I hung out. We got chinese food and hung out at Aarons watching a movie. I tried to keep distance from Aaron, cause he had said "We need to take a step back from things" and I assumed that meant we break up. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore, didn't want to overstep things. So I tried to avoid him slightly. He didn't seem to have the same frame of mind. He kept putting his arms around me, being close, wanting to kiss me. I was confused. I wanted to kiss mind, so badly, but I knew if I did it would hurt later. I didn't know what to do. It was hard. Very hard. I wanted to cry, or atleast, the feeling to cry was there.

On the ride home I explained everything to Trav. He sympathized with me. We talked about all his old girlfriends and all those problems. It was interesting.

So, to skip a bunch of needless details, Aaron and I still act like we're dating. We kiss (in private), all of it, in private. Nothing different. Except when we were hanging out with Trav and Liz Ekland. That was different. For some reason he felt like acting more public. Liz could even tell. Although, they were both slightly ignoring me the whole night until much later, I will admit I got jealous, but that was something I refused to admit because of what had happened before. At one point Travis took me for a walk, with his arm around me of course haha. He goes "I can tell youre jealous." "I am not." "Yes. You are. It's okay, I wont make fun of you" The argument went on like this for a little while. We just got talking, and I said that Aaron and I had made bets to when him and Liz would hook up haha. I told him I thought about giving referances.

Skipping over a bunch of mundane repetative things, Aaron went to my dads house with me this weekend. He slept over and we had a cookout. My dad really likes him. I was happy it went so well. We didn't really even have to keep our distance. He left us alone in my room on multiple occasions and we stayed up till 4 "watching t.v." I didn't want it to end. It seemed too perfect to be true, then Anne came downstairs... hah. I pretended to be asleep and staggered upstairs.

Skipping over everything else, the frisbee games, the hanging out, all of that, let's skip to today. Today was the last day I got to see Aaron. For seven months. It seemed to me slightly that... as time went on we slowly stopped acting like a couple and just... started acting like we were fooling around. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. Or that he's going to miss me. We were alone today after swimming at Seans and laying in bed, just relaxing. And I said I was going to miss him and he didn't say anything. He was just kind of... ignoring me. When I had to leave I gave him a hug, it seemed like he just gave me a normal hug, like he was going to see me tomorrow... and I kissed him goodbye and it was like he didn't want to kiss me. I left and I felt this emptiness, the familiar feeling, return. Heart sunken, he said "Oh, and dont forget not to fall in love." I hated him for saying that, but I smiled and pretended I took it lightly. I hate when he says that. It hurts me so much, he wouldn't even believe it. Because its just a really cruel thing to say and I wish he would apologize. I've told him before not to say it.

He's just changed so much since last time. I can't even begin to explain it. He's so much more distant. He avoids thoughts at all costs. The only reason I know is because i seem to be able to see what he's feeling when he looks me in the eyes. I saw only sadness today. But Im not sure what about. Today I quoted "Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting." Its how he feels kind of.

OH I was so upset with him that he told Sean about two things that I wish he hadnt. ONE he told him about what I talked to him about... I could not believe he did that. THEN he told him I said he was like my edward. I specifically asked him, right there not to. I'm starting to despise him when he gets like that. For that reason, he's not. My perfect boy would never intentionally hurt me like that. He takes his teasing too far sometimes. I know I pretend like it doesn't bother me, but it really does.

Whenever somebody brings up the fact he's leaving more thoughts swarm my head. These thoughts have been following me around for a while. Thoughts that we could never work out. Not just because he's leaving but... whenever we try to make a relationship work, it crashes and burns. He always finds an excuse to give up. I won't date him again. Not now. Not for a very long while. No matter what. Im telling myself this. It hurts too much. I didn't want to do it this last time, but for some reason, our talk gave me hope. But I can't do it again. My heart hurts too much when we break up. I always just feel miserable for so long. I can't keep torturing myself like that. I couldn't listen to music for a week this time. He's hurt me so much... I've shed so many tears. I don't think I can stand to shed anymore. I'm even crying now. I don't think I've poured my thoughts out like this in a while.

His facebook status confuses me. "Aaron Ledbetter has already forgotten his heart." I don't know what it means. I wish I did. He says he doesn't know if his mind is blank just because or because he is avoiding them. I know the answer. But I don't know what he's avoiding. He never lets me not tell him whats on my mind, why can't he share the courtesy? It seems like a one way relationship sometimes... I always have to share everything, but he never has to. And he wonders why I say nothings on my mind. He's just done so many things while he's home that upset me... I hate that I can never stay mad at him.