"What's meant to be will always find a way."

"Happiness is morning and evening. Daytime and nightime too. For happiness is anyone, and anything at all, thats loved by you." -You're a Good Man, Charlie Bown

So lately, I've had a lot on my mind. Tonight just added a lot more to it.

To elaborate, one thing thats been on my mind, even while Aaron and I were dating, was the fact that I knew he still cared about Hannah. I knew that i was only second, and I would always remain that way. Every time he said to me things like "Are you talking to Hannah?" or "Have you talked to Hannah?" he would always say "I don't really care anymore..." or "Not that I care, Im just curious" I knew he was lying. He most definitely cared. He still does. And a thought that came to me recently was that if he was still dating Hannah now, he wouldn't have broken up with her because he was going to Iraq. It makes me feel like such an idiot to think differently.

Now this conversation I just had with him. It hurt, a lot.

EverythingIronic (9:52:35 PM): i guess time does that sometimes
Darkdude71 (9:53:30 PM): this wasn't time. this was my mistakes
EverythingIronic (9:53:46 PM): how was it your mistakes?
Darkdude71 (9:54:17 PM): as far as how we've driffted i mean
EverythingIronic (9:54:25 PM): I dont think so
Darkdude71 (9:55:09 PM): meh
Darkdude71 (9:55:12 PM): it kinda is
EverythingIronic (9:55:19 PM): she's the one who said she needed space
Darkdude71 (9:55:37 PM): it all started though because we dated
Darkdude71 (9:55:53 PM): not that it matters but that was what really did it in the end

That part. That hurt. Us dating being a mistake. It kind of felt like he blames me for it, and is upset with me about it. I hate that I let this happen to me. That I ruined our friendship. Maybe it was a mistake. I just don't want to lose my best friend over it.

Then the thing with Mike. I decided that I'd just let it blow over, act like it didn't happen. It seems to be going well. I was even talking to Jake, him and I have become pretty good friends actually, and I asked him if he was in Mikes position what would he do. He said he probobly wouldn't want to talk about it, and I said "Im basically a chicken and just dont want to bring it up hah" and he said him and I have that in common. I like talking to him, we've got a lot in common. We were laughing about how one of the girls in drama reminded us of the one part in Mars Attacks when they have their wigs on. It was hilarious, apparently nobody else has seen that movie. They're just lame I guess haha. BUT anyways, back to Mike. I mean, I dunno. I asked some people and I got some different reactions about it. Crystal and Madison are jealous they keep saying "Im jealous, I wish I had your problem, a cute guy tries to kiss you. Geez." hah, then Kara says I should tell him that I like him cause she wants me to date him I guess. Even though I only kind of like him, theres more reasons not to date him than reasons to date him. I mean, for one there would be a big phone call from Travis haha, considering they both hate each other with a passion, and I mean, Trav is one of my really good friends. I care about his opinion.

Also, I may be totally wrong here, but it seemed to me to bother Aaron a tad when I mentioned the Mike thing. He brought it up to me the next day that it was on his mind why he would do such a thing and I dunno, it just seemed like it bothered him. But when I asked him if it did he said no and changed the subject. Who knows.

Maybe I should just try to give up. I mean, I don't want this to be a repeat of last year where I was chasing after Trav the whole year, I mean, look where that got me. Maybe there really is no hope.

Anyways, off of that subject, I'm excited about tomorrow. My dad's picking me up and I get to go spend the night at my Grandmothers house. I finally get to see Mike again, I haven't seen him in....maybe 2 or 3 years. He's been off in Hawaii cause he's in the Navy, I finally get to see him.

I can't even think about other things right now. I have this overwhelming feeling of just...sad. Like I need to cry, but I don't want to cry anymore. Im sick of it. I don't like how things have turned out. Maybe dating Mike, despite everything, would be good for me. Even though I don't think it would go anywhere at all. Psh what am I saying, I don't even know if he wants to date me or not.

So the other day Ziggins messaged me on facebook. Apparently he felt like we havent talked in forever (its been maybe a year, I havent spoken to him since I broke up with him last year) and he wants to hang out. So, he gave me his number and told me to call him if I had free time. Maybe I'll do that, who knows. I have no idea what possesed him to message me to hang out. Especially since we havent spoken in forever. Oh well, maybe Ill take him up on the offer, maybe I wont. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.

My mom and I have gornw a lot closer lately. We've been having actual conversations. And a while ago she actually told me the reason why her and my last step-dads got divorced....it wasn't really what I expected. I told Aaron and, he never really asked what the reason was. It was while we were dating...I think Im glad he didn't ask. My mom said it was because he had a drinking problem. and He would go into manic depressive moods and drink himself to sleep alot...and a bunch of other drinking related things.

After my APM concert a while ago I felt like I wanted to cry while I was on my way to dinner. My grandmother kept talking to me about my great-grandfather. She kept saying how proud he would have been of me because he had always wanted someone in the family to be interested in music, and finally someone was. And it kind of just hit home with me. I've never really had someone tell me they were proud of me and I kind of realized it at that moment. After the Crucible I didnt hear it, after all of my concerts Id never heard it, nothing. Lots of good jobs but never a "Im proud of you."

*sigh*I just wish Aaron would tell me whats really going on in his mind. Whenever he tells me that theres nothing on his mind, I know he's not telling me the truth. Or when he said he didnt remember his dream, I knew that wasnt true. Cause his away message said "I hope I sleep a dreamless sleep" of something like that. I just want to know if he really wants to be friends with me still, or if he cares at all about me anymore, if he ever did. Maybe if he notices that Im not telling the truth when I say nothings on my mind. Just...SOMETHING to show my best friend is still there. That he doesnt regret dating, or if he does. I just want to know what's going on.

Alright, Im done with my trip into my mind.