After a long dissapearence...

"Blessed are the hearts that can bend, for they can never be broken."

Wow. Have you ever had one of those moments where everything around you kind of shatters, but you saw it coming? I think I had one of those moments. Aaron and I just broke up for the second time. My eyes hurt. I can't believe I just cried, I've never cried over a boy breaking up with me before. I just kind of felt this immence emptiness. Like someone had just destroyed a part of me. It hurt. The worst part is I saw it coming. *sigh* But I guess I can't really blame him. I mean, I understand where he was coming from. I just....I dunno, I kind of wish... I don't even know anymore.

Im such an idiot. I used to tell myself all the time that people who fell in love in highschool were stupid. That I was never going to be one of those people. I would never.... I can't even organize my thoughts at this point. I just keep thinking about him, and how depressed I am. I just want to go crawl into my bed and just cry more. I hate this feeling. I wan't it to go away but I don't know how to get rid of it. I think Im going to not talk to him today.... as hard as it may be. I really want to talk to him, and I know I'll want to text him tomorrow and when I open my phone, or sit in class Im going to think about it and it's going to depress me even more. But I won't. Im going to talk to him tomorrow after drama club though. Im going to ask him if we're still going to be best friends.... cause I really want to be. I mean, right now I'm not in the stableist emotional state ever, but, I know I want to, at the very least, be friends with him. I dont want to lose that. I mean, I love him, he's the best friend I ever had, I've never felt so at home as when Im around him.

Maybe thats whats making this so hard. Just knowing that now, its really over.... He's going off to Iraq. I mean... he may not come back from that. And, how are things going to be when he comes home? I want to see him. If I dont get to see him I think that Id have a mental break down. Just because I know its going to be one of the last chances I get....

My minds straying away again. I guess I wont be meeting him in Texas... hmm This is why I hate making future plans with people. I like to make last minute plans. Because plans made way ahead of time, you never know whats going to happen. Things can change, and you just never know. Random last minute plans are good though, the chances of some big thing happening to corrupt those plans are highly unlikely, and in that even you can usually change them easily.

I kind of want to talk to Sean for some reason. But I don't think Im going to. I dont really have anyone to talk to this about, any of these thoughts on my mind.....

He told me....that he loved me more than I loved him. That he would choose me....i cant even make actual sentances at this point. My mind is just racing. I hate this feeling. I saved my texts from him, to make me smile when I go to sleep, when he tells me that he loves me....and all of those. I have to go through and erase them. I think thats possibly the most painful process ever in the history of everything. Cause I have to read them all over, and just....erase it all. I have to erase all the sweet words he said to me, all the things that once made me happy, I have to blow it away like a pile of dust... I dont think I can do it now, Ill start bawling again.

Schools going to be hard tomorrow. Especially with drama club. Im not going to be up for any of it. Alicia and i are divorced right now, but I think we will forget this one i tell her we broke up. I feel so alone right now. I have nobody. I can't talk to Aaron, I wish I c.....damn it.

Im done rambling. I dont want to think about this anymore. The only reason Im writing it down in this is because I felt the need to, and Aaron said he lost the URL...so I dont htink he'll be reading it.

*sigh* What becomes of us now?