"Dreams do come true, if we only wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it."
Life lately has been tiresome. I'm exhausted all the time, I find myself falling asleep in class, on the bus, in the car, and almost everywhere else. I seem to be looking at things and people differently lately. I don't really know why though. Things just seem to be changing and I don't really understand all of it.
I can't stand Kara anymore. She's really pushing me over the edge and I don't think I want to really deal with it anymore. She's always getting mad at me over nothing, causing issues where there shouldnt be any, saying she's fat all the time and just a bunch of small things that are adding up. I think we just kind of grew apart. She changed, I changed. We got new groups of friends because of the activities we did (she did track, I did drama and frisbee) and that's just how things ended up.
I'm so jumbled up lately. I don't really understand everything that's been going on lately. Steve is acting....well...odd, to say the least. Everybody else has noticed it. I've had atleast 5 people come up to me and say "So, what's up with you and Steve?" I had a conversation with my friend Sam today and she goes "I mean, he's really flirty with everyone, even me (and I'm a lesbian) but I mean...it's different with you." and that kind of got me to thinking. Maybe that's just how he acts around me because we never really made a friendship in the beginning, we just rushed into a relationship-so that's all he knows. He says he's over me and that he's really happy with Rachel, so, I'm going to chose to believe that's the reason he acts like that.
Although, when he was talking to me he did mention something a while ago that kind of made me mad:
"Soo, who do you have a crush on now?" -Steve
"Umm....I like Aaron still." -Me
"Yea, but that doesn't count. You guys tried that, it didn't work. Those are leftover feelings. Don't worry, you'll get over them soon enough, I did." -Steve
That one comment made me mad. Calling them leftover feelings. What are leftover feelings? Feelings aren't something you can just discard and forget. They're a part of you. They've always got a reason too. Sometimes feelings stick with you to remind you of the past, to prevent you from getting hurt again, and sometimes they're there for other reasons. Maybe to tell you not to give up. I guess you just have to know how to tell the difference.
Lately I've realized that the old familiar feelings of emptiness and not belonging are slowly returning. Where I just don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I never really understand why they choose to show up at the worst times. Aaron keeps telling me I always seem kind of distant and like there's something on my mind. I guess that's what it is. I've just got that feeling in the pit of my stomach and it just brings sad thoughts to my head that make me feel empty. But, nobody notices it. I don't know if I'm happy nobody notices it or not. Aaron notices, so obviously it's pretty obvious-considering he's in California. Steve kind of notices. But...I dunno, as much as it's good nobody notices that I've been sad lately, I wish somebody would.
I sound really depressing. Re-reading that last paragraph. Maybe I should talk about something brighter to cheer it up hah. Umm...there may be a snow day tomorrow. I'd like that, I already don't have to go to drama club but, it'd still be cool to get to sleep in. I took a nap today :)
I've been working on Aarons Valentines day gift for a while now. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it was going to. I defenitely don't think I will have it finished haha. If I have tomorrow off I'll probobly end up working on it then.
Hah, so apparently Zack wants to go watch "Defenitely, Maybe" with me this weekend and then go shopping. That should be fun. I was gonna go with Kara, but I'd rather go shopping with Zack, who would actually go shopping with me. Kara hates shopping, how can someone hate shopping? New clothes are fun in my opinion. So I'll probobly just skip Emily's birthday party and sleep and then do that this weekend. Although, my mom will probobly have me go in to work at some point. Joy of all joys. Atleast I'll get some money, so basically I'll buy clothes then get the money back working. I guess it all evens out in the end.
There's a ton of shows coming up I can't wait to go see. I had to decide if I wanted to go see Streetlight Manifesto or The Flaming Tsunamis more. Both are on a weekday and I would probobly only have even a slight chance of seeing one. I'm most defenitely choosing Streetlight if I can. I missed them last time they came. I'm also going to a show on the 23rd at Valentines (which I can go see cause Im 16 BUT KARA CANT) with Steve. Hollywood Funeral is playing and releasing their new cd. Should be exciting. Then the weekend after that on the 29th I'm gonna try to go see RaRaRiot at Falstaffs. Apparently there's a bouncy bounce? Dave Kenyon told me I should go, I haven't talked to him since frisbee in the summer so it'd be cool to see him. I doubt Steve'd go to that one though, he says they're "boring." Oh well.
Life lately has been tiresome. I'm exhausted all the time, I find myself falling asleep in class, on the bus, in the car, and almost everywhere else. I seem to be looking at things and people differently lately. I don't really know why though. Things just seem to be changing and I don't really understand all of it.
I can't stand Kara anymore. She's really pushing me over the edge and I don't think I want to really deal with it anymore. She's always getting mad at me over nothing, causing issues where there shouldnt be any, saying she's fat all the time and just a bunch of small things that are adding up. I think we just kind of grew apart. She changed, I changed. We got new groups of friends because of the activities we did (she did track, I did drama and frisbee) and that's just how things ended up.
I'm so jumbled up lately. I don't really understand everything that's been going on lately. Steve is acting....well...odd, to say the least. Everybody else has noticed it. I've had atleast 5 people come up to me and say "So, what's up with you and Steve?" I had a conversation with my friend Sam today and she goes "I mean, he's really flirty with everyone, even me (and I'm a lesbian) but I mean...it's different with you." and that kind of got me to thinking. Maybe that's just how he acts around me because we never really made a friendship in the beginning, we just rushed into a relationship-so that's all he knows. He says he's over me and that he's really happy with Rachel, so, I'm going to chose to believe that's the reason he acts like that.
Although, when he was talking to me he did mention something a while ago that kind of made me mad:
"Soo, who do you have a crush on now?" -Steve
"Umm....I like Aaron still." -Me
"Yea, but that doesn't count. You guys tried that, it didn't work. Those are leftover feelings. Don't worry, you'll get over them soon enough, I did." -Steve
That one comment made me mad. Calling them leftover feelings. What are leftover feelings? Feelings aren't something you can just discard and forget. They're a part of you. They've always got a reason too. Sometimes feelings stick with you to remind you of the past, to prevent you from getting hurt again, and sometimes they're there for other reasons. Maybe to tell you not to give up. I guess you just have to know how to tell the difference.
Lately I've realized that the old familiar feelings of emptiness and not belonging are slowly returning. Where I just don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I never really understand why they choose to show up at the worst times. Aaron keeps telling me I always seem kind of distant and like there's something on my mind. I guess that's what it is. I've just got that feeling in the pit of my stomach and it just brings sad thoughts to my head that make me feel empty. But, nobody notices it. I don't know if I'm happy nobody notices it or not. Aaron notices, so obviously it's pretty obvious-considering he's in California. Steve kind of notices. But...I dunno, as much as it's good nobody notices that I've been sad lately, I wish somebody would.
I sound really depressing. Re-reading that last paragraph. Maybe I should talk about something brighter to cheer it up hah. Umm...there may be a snow day tomorrow. I'd like that, I already don't have to go to drama club but, it'd still be cool to get to sleep in. I took a nap today :)
I've been working on Aarons Valentines day gift for a while now. It's taking a lot longer than I thought it was going to. I defenitely don't think I will have it finished haha. If I have tomorrow off I'll probobly end up working on it then.
Hah, so apparently Zack wants to go watch "Defenitely, Maybe" with me this weekend and then go shopping. That should be fun. I was gonna go with Kara, but I'd rather go shopping with Zack, who would actually go shopping with me. Kara hates shopping, how can someone hate shopping? New clothes are fun in my opinion. So I'll probobly just skip Emily's birthday party and sleep and then do that this weekend. Although, my mom will probobly have me go in to work at some point. Joy of all joys. Atleast I'll get some money, so basically I'll buy clothes then get the money back working. I guess it all evens out in the end.
There's a ton of shows coming up I can't wait to go see. I had to decide if I wanted to go see Streetlight Manifesto or The Flaming Tsunamis more. Both are on a weekday and I would probobly only have even a slight chance of seeing one. I'm most defenitely choosing Streetlight if I can. I missed them last time they came. I'm also going to a show on the 23rd at Valentines (which I can go see cause Im 16 BUT KARA CANT) with Steve. Hollywood Funeral is playing and releasing their new cd. Should be exciting. Then the weekend after that on the 29th I'm gonna try to go see RaRaRiot at Falstaffs. Apparently there's a bouncy bounce? Dave Kenyon told me I should go, I haven't talked to him since frisbee in the summer so it'd be cool to see him. I doubt Steve'd go to that one though, he says they're "boring." Oh well.
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